"he himself wasted energy in hectic busyness and in astonishment at dullness." Sinclair Lewis, Arrowsmith.

I have been reading Arrowsmith for the last couple of months. I will read about 40 pages and then not pick it up for another 3 weeks and i will then read another 40 pages. needless to say it takes me quite awhile to finish a book. none of the blame should be placed on sinclair lewis or the book itself. i don't get to read much. twin toddlers leave little time for self-discovery, self-actualization, or intellectual growth (or bathing for that matter). the older two, although not so demanding on a minute by minute basis, also suck up the rest of energy and time. i would have it no other way. i am thinking of having a couple more. my quality of life would be much better if my husband didn't work all the time and if we could afford a couple half days of daycare.

i guess this is turning into a rant on motherhood. although it is overwhelming at times and sometimes leaves me physically and emotionally spent (forget the sometimes--most of the time) i dig it. as far as careers go i am pretty good at it. i think to be pretty good at it the bar is set fairly low. keep them out of jail, keep them in school, keep them somewhat healthy. as chris rock said about fathering girls--your job is to keep them off the pole. right now i can consider myself somewhat of a success because none are in jail, drug addicts, school dropouts----------YET. i don't think this is a proof of my good parenting skills but rather of luck. only good parents raise good kids? only good people are successful? bad things only happen to bad people? after all my years of studying philosophy this is my personal philosophy of life. life is a whole bunch of luck. does this hold me totally unaccountable. no. i have to go through being the best person i can be hoping that speeding car doesn't jump through the median and take me out. bad things happen to wonderful people.

things they tell you that are true but you don't believe them.
1. Your kids dissappointments are way more disappointing than your own.
2. Your kids' successes make you way more happy than your own.
one could of course take an ayn randian spin on these statements and be all cynical and say that's because they ARE your dissappointments and successes. I don't think the above 2 statements mean you live vicariously through your children. for example if your daughter is having a slump in lacrosse you would give anything to be tabitha off bewitched and wiggle your nose and make her lacrosse stick a magic stick. when you son starts getting all stoked up about pirates and ships you get all sorts of books out and learn stuff about pirates to keep the spark of intellectual curiosity going.


(it still freaks me completely out that i am a mother of 4...i feel like diane wiest in parenthood. "I went to Woodstock. I peed in a field for christ's sakes....."
I went to the first lollapollaza. i have a tattoo.